We were recently asked, “What can a new manager do when they need to have a difficult conversation?” As we thought about this, we were struck by how we’d all like to think that it’s just new managers who struggle with this, but in fact, people from seasoned CEOs to soccer coaches to spouses and kids all struggle with having difficult conversations and, as a result, often avoid the important conversations that can contribute to creating greater connection, development of new skills, and facilitation of movement toward a shared goal.
Difficult Conversation Framework
Here is an example of a framework that will help you have more effective “difficult” conversations.
EXAMPLE:
| Ask Yourself: | Make Notes/Write Script: | |
|---|---|---|
| Prepare | What, specifically, happened to convince me to have this “difficult conversation?” |
Every time we are in a staff meeting, one of my direct reports reacts to every decision with fury and by challenging my expertise and authority. In the last staff meeting, she got loud, leaned forward with her face all red and told me my idea was stupid. |
| What are your expectations for this “difficult conversation?” |
I would like to feel confident that she understood my expectations and was committed to meeting them and she would feel like her opinions matter and that I will listen to them if she can contribute them in a professional and collaborative manner. |
|
| Why is it important to me that we do things differently? |
We have staff meetings weekly so that I can keep the team apprised of top-level decisions, get input when there are things we can influence, and so that we can work together to figure out ways to take action on our goals. These meetings are really important to me because they are the only time I have all of my team in the same room. |
|
| What can I do to remind myself to listen and remain calm? |
I will write notes on the top of my pad reminding myself to listen, if I find myself getting shaken I will excuse myself to run to the bathroom, and I will respond to insults with “say more about that?” so I give myself space to listen without defensiveness. |
|
| Script | How would I describe what I’m concerned about – specifically and objectively – without blame or accusation? |
In the past few months, each time I have talked about a decision or mandate from our executive team, you have reacted with anger and insult. You get very red, loud and agitated, and you insult our bosses, the company, and me – then you lean back and cross your arms saying you won’t do the “stupid” work. |
| What are the consequences of the problem behavior? |
As a result, the conversation stops, all creativity and energy drops away, and now I am being told that team members don’t want to come to the meetings, we are not working as effectively as a team and you are not meeting your expectations as a member of the team. |
|
| What would you like to see happen differently in the future? What, specifically, do we need to agree on going forward? |
It is very important that this behavior change. I need you to attend staff meetings regularly, participate respectfully in the discussion of the work we are assigned, and contribute to figuring out how to get it done. I also need you to work collaboratively with the rest of the team to get the work done. If you so strongly believe |
|
| Follow-Up | How do I need to follow up on this conversation? |
I need to assess her behavior in the next staff meeting and, if she can get it together, I need to comment that I’m pleased and continue to observe in case this behavior starts again. If not, I’ll need to repeat this conversation and discuss it with my manager to start to implement letting her go. |
Difficult conversations are just that, difficult. But you can do them well and you can create success if you slow down and prepare yourself, commit to remaining open to the other person’s influence and perspective, and you look for a solution that is good for both of you. Even if you are in the position of firing someone or setting an important limit with a child, you can do so with respect, integrity and compassion.