In our work supporting those who are overwhelmed and burned out, we’ve seen the importance of practicing healthy dependence.
Healthy dependence is that balance between relying too much on others versus never asking for support.
In a May 2026 article on psychology.com, author Joel Wong, Ph.D. discusses the differences between unhealthy and healthy dependence. We found this article helpful and wanted to share it with you.
Here’s a quick recap of what Joel writes about:
UNHEALTHY DEPENDENCE – these four types of dependence can keep us from experiencing the fullness and joy that life can offer.
- Hyper-Independence: You never depend on others or ask for help, and you likely have only a few (if any) deep relationships.
- Caretakerism: You are constantly giving to others and while you do likely form deep relationships, you don’t reach out and ask others for support.
- Toxic Dependence: You rely on a person (or people) who are manipulative. If you find yourself in this category, consider reaching out to a counselor, therapist, pastor, or loved one.
- Stigmatized Dependence: You do seek support but have a sense of embarrassment or shame about it.
HEALTHY DEPENDENCE – this is the sweet spot where you lean on others and they lean on you, creating authentic and strong relationships.
- Nourishing Reliance: You have deep and meaningful relationships where you show up and support others in your life and you ask them for support as well. This type of dependence can play an important role in nurturing relationships and enriching your life.
What can you do if you see yourself in one of the unhealthy dependence categories? We encourage you to use the first part of our Reflect practice, which is to Reflect on SELF.
REFLECT ON SELF
What am I afraid of in this situation?
You can ask this of yourself to deepen your understanding of what’s going on inside of you.
Perhaps your answer will be something like:
- I’m afraid that people will think I’m dumping my problems on them.
- I worry that I’ll look incompetent and unable to care for myself.
- I fear that people will think I’m selfish for asking them to support me.
What do I typically do when I feel that fear?
This is a chance to consider what you know about yourself. When you become afraid, what does that look like?
Perhaps your answer will be something like:
- I keep my needs to myself and rarely share my feelings.
- I take on more and more for other people and put my needs last.
- I keep busy, over-function, and pretend that everything is going great.
What would I do if I felt safe?
After reflecting on how you typically handle your fear, contrast that with how you show up when you feel safe and at your best. They’re often quite different.
Perhaps your answer will be something like:
- If I wasn’t afraid, I would share more of my life (the successes, hard times, and needs) with my loved ones.
- If I wasn’t afraid, I would open up to a couple of close friends about my challenges in asking for support. Even naming that to another person would feel nurturing to me, and open the door for future support requests.
- If I wasn’t afraid, I would remember how wonderful it feels to be needed by others and that by asking them for support, they’ll feel needed as well.
When you practice nourishing reliance, you’ll develop and strengthen the relationships that matter most to you (including the one with yourself).
This week, we encourage you to think about your close connections and then consider what it might look like to create a healthy level of dependence with those people.
Keep us posted on how you’re doing!
If you’d like support
creating healthy dependence
in your relationships,
contact us today.
